Lashon hara
Shoshana peered down from her perch on the upper bunk. Ahuva was sitting
up in bed, as excited as Shoshana was that their parents had agreed to let
Ahuva sleep over. There was a lag in the conversation between the two girls.
Ahuva prodded her giddy, sleep deprived brain, eager to find some bit of
information that would keep up the party atmosphere. Then it came to her.
“You know how everyone thinks that Miriam is such a nice person,”
Ahuva began. “I know someone who was in elementary school with her, and she
told me that Miriam used to pick fights with other kids every day at recess!
She had her own seat in the principal’s office.”
Shoshana giggled. Ahuva was delighted with the reaction. Sure
enough, it wasn’t long before both girls gave in to the pull of their
increasingly heavy eyelids. The sun rose bright and early, and Ahuva and
Shoshana rose several hours later. As Ahuva brushed her teeth, she thought over
her late night conversation. Then it came to her. Miriam! She had said something
really nasty about Miriam which was probably – definitely… lashon hara
(derogatory or damaging speech).
Ahuva reviewed the steps of teshuva (repentance). Admit the
sin. Check. Regret the sin. Check. Resolve not to commit the sin again. Check.
But wait, that would be enough for a sin between a person and Hashem. But for
sins committed against another person, there is another step in the process –
the requirement to ask the person for forgiveness.
Does Ahuva have to ask Miriam for forgiveness? Or is it better that
Miriam not find out that someone spoke badly about her?
Answer of my teacher, Rabbi Avraham Shapiro, zt”l:
The Chafetz Chaim wrote ((כלל ד, סימן
יב, על פי השערי תשובה)) that a person who spoke lashon hara
about his friend must inform the friend of this, and seek forgiveness. As is
well known, Rabbi Yisrael Salanter felt that it was better not to inform the
subject of the gossip, as this would cause more harm than good. Even if the
victim forgives the offender, such a confession would cause a blemish in a
formerly healthy friendship. Additionally, the victim would be pained at the
knowledge that someone spoke badly of him to someone else. It is important to
note that maintaining friendships is a mitzva. (See Magen Avraham siman
248).
In practice, it seems that there are two different levels of lashon
hara:
1) Lashon
hara which does not cause any damage to the
subject. This is essentially a sin between man and Hashem. In such a situation,
the speaker should not inform the victim.
2) Lashon hara which causes damage to the subject. The
speaker has the status of chovel or mazik (one who causes
damage). In such a situation, the need to request forgiveness overrides the
concerns for preservation of friendship, and the speaker should approach the
victim and ask his forgiveness.
There is room to say that it is
sufficient to request forgiveness in a general way, without specifically
mentioning the lashon hara. The language of the Jerusalem Talmud is that
“one who sinned against his friend must tell him that he hurt him.” There is no
reason to suspect that the victim would not forgive the offender if he knew
that the offender had spoken lashon hara about him, because a person is
required to forgive someone who genuinely requests forgiveness.
(ע"פ
הספר מקראי קודש על יום כיפור של הגאון הרב משה הררי שליט"א)